I make it no secret that I had depression. Fact is that being open about it makes it easier to deal with. But i’m pretty sure people do get tired of hearing about it. I don’t talk about it constantly. I think I’m just trying to de-stigmatize it in my own life. It also comes down to the fact that I know that I am not the only one who goes through these things, hoping that my ongoing story can resonate with someone and that they may be open about it.
With that all being said, I need to talk about it. It has been a struggle over the past few months. If you haven’t ready End of the Road, you may have trouble understanding why I am going through what I am going through.
I’m feeling pretty lost at the moment.
Its not that I don’t have things going on. I actively volunteer at my church, mostly with the youth group. I applied to grad school, hoping to start my MFA in Film and Television Production. On top of that, I am looking to hopefully transfer to a different missions non-profit that is more media focused and Indiana based. I have a good job, one I have always wanted and absolutely love (hence pursuing my MFA). So it isn’t like I’m not pushing forward. Those can all be listed as very positive things.
I realize now that the core issue is this: loneliness. As active as I am at my church, I don’t really have a group of people my age. I don’t have a lot of friends at church. All of my friends outside of church are easily 30 minutes away, and those are the ones that live close to me. This is small town Indiana, so there are miles and miles of country in between me those who live in closer proximity to me. Most all of them lead busy lives, be it work, family, or other activities. As one might expect, I rarely get to see any of them. Just as rare do I hear from them. Out of sight out of mind. Its always been that way. I seem to be someone who is easily forgotten. It can feel like talking to a brick wall try to get a response out of any of them, which is extremely frustrating and di
I feel isolated from everyone I know. Out of sight, out of mind. Social media makes it all the worse. What was meant to connect us more has actually caused greater isolation. I see so many positives in peoples lives (without seeing anything beyond the surface). Everything seems so great, and here I am sitting on a couch staring at a computer screen, feeling isolated and alone.
I mostly post work related items. When you get to play with a very expensive cinema camera, you do those sort of things. My passion has become my job, so the lines between work and home begin to blur for me. As with most all men, I have the habit of finding my identity in my work. This has increasingly come up empty, making me feel rather empty inside. The emptiness only grows when I see students active outside of school. Be it a social life, random adventures, or getting married, I can’t help but feel jealous. I’m ashamed to admit it. It feels as if they have so much more going for them than I ever will.
I know I am supposed to find my identity in Christ, but even in church I feel the same way. I at times feel even more alone in the church than I do elsewhere, making it hard to go to church. It would be that way no matter where I would go. There will always be a sense of not belonging. I’m an unmarried man in my very early 30’s in a building full of families. Hate to say it, but my walk of life has been forgotten by the church. When you have been forgotten by the church, its easy to feel alone.
Unfortunately, I have to accept loneliness. Call me pessimistic, but I don’t see that changing. As I grow older, it seems harder to meet people. I hope this changes, but I just don’t see that happening in the near future. I feel frustration towards God. If this is how other Christians treat me, it must be because He treats me this way. Or that seems to be the lie that I tend to listen to. I’m just so worn out from trying to make an effort with people who don’t seem to make an effort with me. These things need to go both ways.
And this is why I’m depressed.
I’m depressed because I feel lost. I’m depressed because I am alone. I’m depressed because I don’t matter to people. I’m depressed because I don’t see this ever changing. I’m depressed because I feel like an old man at the age of 30. I’m depressed because I see my friends move on with their lives. I depressed because I don’t feel I have any friends. I’m depressed because I feel stuck despite my efforts to change my situation. I’m depressed because I don’t feel like I will ever grow. I’m depressed because I feel like I’ve been forgotten.
I’m depressed because I feel like God Himself has forgotten about me.
I’m tired. I’m worn out. I want rest from these troubles. I want change.
Though, at the moment, I would settle for a very VERY large cup of wholesome Earl Grey Tea. Preferably with honey. Some tea and some RadioU. Because, despite my struggles with depression, loneliness, and God, I’d rather seek Christ, make worthwhile art, and live to fight another day.