A Losing Battle

I haven’t posted in a little while. I had so many things I have been trying to do, and in the end it all crumbled around me. The more I tried to fight it, the stronger it got. In the end it feels like my depression has gotten the better of me.

These past few days, I have felt a bit catatonic. Moving takes a greater effort than normal. Its any wonder I can get myself outside to run. Odd how I lose motivation for everything else, and yet I can train for a 5k (which I am not actually going to run).

What I don’t get is how I got this way. Its been growing steadily over the past couple of weeks. It seems to have started when I went back to my parents for a week about a month ago. Since then, my motivation has dropped. I don’t know what it is. I just feel so crippled by depression. Even tea seems to do little. I thought running would help boost my energy, but even that doesn’t do too much. I decided to look up the symptoms of Clinical Depression. They are as follows according to an article on WebMD:

  • Difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions
  • Fatigue and decreased energy
  • Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness
  • Feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism
  • Insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping
  • Irritability, restlessness
  • Loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex
  • Overeating or appetite loss
  • Persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment
  • Persistent sad, anxious, or “empty” feelings
  • Thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts

A lot of those line up. A few don’t (even I am not stupid enough to think about death and suicide). After running an analysis, it seems I would fit the category. And yet, something seems off with that assessment. A lot of these things can be linked to certain situations and events. When viewed within the scope of the past 6 months, clinical depression seems less tangible as a diagnosis. Yes, I have been fighting depression this entire time, and for the most part I have been winning. That is, until recently.

So what changed?

I think the answer is rather simple, much simpler than most would even realize.

The answer is this: I am worn out. Plain and simple. I need a break. I have been fighting to turn things around in my life. I moved back to Indiana in January after being kicked out of where I was living in SC by a friend. Things didn’t work out there. It was heart breaking, but I tried to forge ahead. I have fought hard to try and turn my life around. I feel trapped, and I feel like no matter how hard I try that I will only fail in the end.

I have done everything I can. There is only so much I can do. Some things now rest in the hands of others.

I need rest. True, meaningful, rejuvenating rest. I need to get out of small town Indiana. I’m used to cities. Being in small town Indiana like this, isolated from people, feels like living on the edge of civilization. North Manchester feels like a prison.

I have been fighting a lot these past 6 months. I have been fighting against my own perceptions of myself. I see myself as worthless, useless, lesser, and ultimately a failure. I haven been doing everything I can to fight against this on top of trying to learn new skills and turn my life around. I have done this all on my own. It is a burden I have had to carry all on my own. Not that I wanted to carry it all on my own, its just that few seem to know what I am going through.

I pushed myself hard, and as a result I am worn down and demoralized. I need a break. I need to get away. I need to recharge. I need to forget about my struggles for a little while. I need to escape.

I need good, meaningful rest. Maybe then I can continue the fight anew.

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